We all know that the Ultimate Answer to Life, the Universe and Everything is 42. Coincidentally, this is my 42nd post. So have some answers to questions that, as the world’s Official Pud-Hog, I’m never asked (but ought to be):
Q1: If you were a pudding, what pudding would you be?
A blancmange, probably: pink, wobbly, and soft in the head.
Q2: Why don’t you write about savoury things?
A: My dear Questioner. If I wrote about savouries too, I’d never get away from this computer.
Q3: What’s the worst pudding you’ve ever eaten?
A: Now, that’s a tough one. I tend to block those things out – they’re just too painful to remember. That Cheddar Cheesecake from Terre a Terre was pretty gross…
OOH! Scrap that: I remember what the worst one was! We went to a lovely Thai restaurant once, with some pretty exciting puddings on the menu. The Man ordered some home-made durian ice cream, despite both waitresses strongly advising him against it. My goodness it was disgusting – they don’t call it the Stink Fruit for nothing. Imagine a sorbet made from creosote, petrol and dead cheese – then you’ve probably just about got it.
I had two spoonfuls (one to see if it tasted as bad as it smelt, then another to make sure. Yep. It definitely did). In Singapore you can get fined for taking a durian into your hotel room – it really is that stinky.
That was the second time in recent months that the Man refused to heed the advice of waiting staff. On the first, he insisted on ordering turnip juice. Then promptly (and deeply) regretted it.
Will he ever learn?
Q5: If you were to ever get married (and make the Man an honest one), what wedding cake would you have?
A: I’m guessing you meant to say cakes there, right? Obviously I’m not going to limit myself to just one. Hell no. There’ll be a mountain of Chococo truffles, a pyramid of fridge cakes, a locomotive-shaped chocolate concotion with Cadbury’s Mini Roll carriages (made by my Granny, of course), and an enormous chocolate trough – sorry, fountain – large enough to plant your face in.
Now, before you get too excited, please note that these goodies will not be shared. With anyone. I’m taking them to a private room after the ceremony to consummate my love, while the Man entertains our guests. As it is written, so shall it be done.
Q6: Are you a real pig?
A: It has been said.
Are there any more questions out there? No? Right. Then it’s time to hit the hay.