Recipe: Pud-Hog Slob Slop (the Microwaved, All-in-One, Customised Pud).

I have a confession to make; some dirty laundry/edible knickers I think it’s time to air:

I am a slob.

When I’m alone – i.e. when no-one’s there to judge me – I have a habit of cooking up bowls of mushy Hog swill, and shoving them into my face to make things better.

In a habit born out of my yearning for quick home-made Tibetan Pancakes, I’ve developed the laziest, mushiest recipe for pudding I could think of. Needing only a single bowl, a spoon, a fork, a microwave and the most minimal of ingredients, it’s ready in minutes and serves just one.

This Slob Slop makes the ideal comfort food: it’s warm, you don’t need to buy any flashy ingredients, there’s no need to share and the washing-up required is almost non-existent.

I warn you though, to the casual observer it ain’t pretty…

…hence the need to eat it alone

This is functional, basic cuisine, designed to fill and soothe – so don’t expect it to wow anyone at a party (they’re probably far more likely to run away screaming).

What’s more, taste-wise, it might not the best thing you’ve ever eaten…

The joy of this pudding, you see, is in the texture, so those of you who like mush, goo, or any derivative thereof will be in Hog Slob heaven. It’s worth it, I promise.

What you’ll get when you follow this recipe is a blank and wobbling unsweetened canvas of doughy stodge (with a glorious leathery sheen), on which you can project your heart’s desires.

Fancy jam? Use jam! Salt Caramel more your thing? Shove it on!

Honey, chocolate, ice cream, fruit, golden syrup, peanut butter, custard… As I’ve found over the years, they all make excellent accompaniments. The world is your lobster.

Indeed, much like my Chocolate Fridge Cake, this recipe is fully customisable (and fairly primitive), so once you’ve mastered the basics you can chop and change at will (add cocoa, make it vegan, etc, etc).

You might create a dud here and there, but cover it over with plenty of jam (blackcurrant and chilli’s a winner, btw) and, trust me, your stomach will be none the wiser.

Go on. Relive the good old days of your youth, when teeth were a pointless accessory.

Pud-Hog Slob Slop (serves 1, NO SHARING)

Ingredients:

  • 1 tbsp butter (you can also use vegetable spread, olive oil, etc)
  • 1 egg
  • 3 tbsp plain flour
  • 1/2 tsp baking powder
  • 1 tbsp milk
  • 1 – 2 tbsp jam/ice cream/syrup/whatever you fancy

You will also need a microwave-proof bowl (doesn’t have to be big)

Method:

  1. Melt the butter in your bowl (20 secs on Medium should do it)
  2. Add the flour, egg, baking powder and milk. Beat briskly with a fork (or a whisk, if you’re being fancy) until the mixture is as smooth and well-incorporated as you can be bothered to get it
  3. The trickiest bit: cook it in the microwave. I say tricky, because if things get too hot (and are in there for too long), your pudding will be on the dry side. Last night I cooked my stodge on Medium for a minute – it was still moist (thankfully) but not quite sloppy enough – next time I’ll do 45 secs
  4. Cover the pud with your chosen topping, mash it up, and eat immediately

Houston, we have a slop bowl

As I mentioned in Point 3, you might want to play around with the cooking time and temperature a bit. I prefer mine on the undercooked side – spongy at the top and wet underneath – for maximum ease of digestion. I suppose one day these cravings might lead to salmonella but – touch wood – so far so good…

Anyway, should you be unlucky enough to experience unwanted dryness, you can always rehydrate your stodge with a splash of milk (like I did last night), or, again, just up your topping quotient.

Whatever you do, do not feel ashamed or guilty.

Never forget: when nobody’s looking, there are no rules.

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